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July 30, 2010

The Healing Process

Olga at Age 7

I've started writing about the therapeutic process I went through to heal from the abuse and the Dissociative Identity Disorder I developed. The more I think about it the more I marvel at the skill of the psychiatrist I worked with. He helped me feel safe in a process that would raise all sorts of chaos. When I didn't understand what I needed to do he used books like "There's a Nightmare in My Closet" to illustrate the process of healing. I could see in this very simple way what I needed to do. I understood after reading this very sweet children's book that all the thoughts that were racing around in my head were like the child's nightmares. They were my memories of abuse. So I started to tell him my thoughts.

When I wasn't connecting the thoughts to me and my life. When I wasn't accepting this as my life. He gave me "A Wizard of Earthsea" to read. This is a story of a wizard who unleashes an evil shadow and runs from it for fear of its power. When he finally turns to face it he chases to the far reaches of the earth and finally catches it. He realizes that this evil shadow is the dark side of him. I realized when I read this book that I had to accept the darkness in my life that I so skillfully put away in my subconscious. I had to accept my diagnoses of DID.

For years I have worked to integrate these memories, feelings, emotions, pain all of it. I've come to know more than I ever wanted to know about my abuse. But in the process I've become stronger and more whole. These tools and others were really helpful for me to envision what I needed to do. 

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