Journal: Latest Entries

Accepting the Diagnoses

When I first found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder I panicked. I was afraid about people finding out, about losing my job and losing my relationship. I thought it meant I was 'crazy'. I didn't want this to be my life. I wanted my old life back - the one I had before the panic attacks and memories. 

Then I learned about all that happened when I was growing up and how my consciousness protected me by creating parts that were separated from my every day activities. I learned how this coping mechanism helped me survive and do well in school, make friends and do well in life. 

So I learned and still need reminding from time to time that creating parts of me to keep the violence I suffered from me helped me stay alive, remain sane and become who I am today.

It went from a stigma I was afraid of to something about me that I appreciated and value.

It took me a long time to get there and I still reach new levels of acceptance.

Here is the DSM IV definition of DID:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, (the DSM IV) published by the American Psychiatric Association, says that the following criteria must be met in order for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder to be made:

Diagnostic Criteria for 300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder

A.                    The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking of the environment and self).

B.                    At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person’s behavior.

C.                    Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

D.                    The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or fantasy play.

The Healing Process

I've started writing about the therapeutic process I went through to heal from the abuse and the Dissociative Identity Disorder I developed. The more I think about it the more I marvel at the skill of the psychiatrist I worked with. He helped me feel safe in a process that would raise all sorts of chaos. When I didn't understand what I needed to do he used books like "There's a Nightmare in My Closet" to illustrate the process of healing. I could see in this very simple way what I needed to do. I understood after reading this very sweet children's book that all the thoughts that were racing around in my head were like the child's nightmares. They were my memories of abuse. So I started to tell him my thoughts.

When I wasn't connecting the thoughts to me and my life. When I wasn't accepting this as my life. He gave me "A Wizard of Earthsea" to read. This is a story of a wizard who unleashes an evil shadow and runs from it for fear of its power. When he finally turns to face it he chases to the far reaches of the earth and finally catches it. He realizes that this evil shadow is the dark side of him. I realized when I read this book that I had to accept the darkness in my life that I so skillfully put away in my subconscious. I had to accept my diagnoses of DID.

For years I have worked to integrate these memories, feelings, emotions, pain all of it. I've come to know more than I ever wanted to know about my abuse. But in the process I've become stronger and more whole. These tools and others were really helpful for me to envision what I needed to do. 

Building Resilience

Over the past few months I've been asked what helped me survive when I was growing up. In the book that I've been writing I've been capturing the things people did and also the internal coping mechanism I developed. Yesterday at a luncheon in Madison, WI for the Domestic Abuse Intervention Services (DAIS) Program I laid that out as simply as I could. So I thought I'd share that with you. I had people who came into my life that made me feel capable, special, creative and smart. They did it in a whole host of ways. My next store neighbor gave me little jobs to do that when I accomplished them I felt good about myself; capable. She also told me she loved me and gave me big hugs that I still feel today. So I felt special to her. She taught me to hide when I was scared and to pray the rosary. She taught me to solve problems and that I could be creative in doing so. 

The woman who ran the community center behind our house taught me to tell time, when I had gotten a new watch but didn't know how to read it. She threw me a surprise birthday party, which was no surprise, but made me feel special. She paid a lot of attention to me.

I have countless examples of how coaches, teachers, neighbors and others helped me to feel that I wasn't alone; and that I was smart, creative, capable and special. I carried this all through my life and share it with others when I can. 

 There was a recent article published where I talked about my neighbor. Here's the link:

Trauma Training for Multidisciplinary Audiences

 In Idaho 300 plus participants attended their annual 2 Days in June training Sponsored and Organized by the Idaho Council on Domestic Violence and Victim Services. The audience included law enforcement, prosecutors, judges, medical professionals, sexual assault advocates, domestic violence advocates, child abuse professionals, court personnel, mental health clinicians and probation. It was the most diverse audience I've presented to in the past 6 months. 

It was an amazing day. The afternoon sessions brought up some interesting questions around the ability to successfully prosecute cases when victims have coped through dissociation. We explored the balance of moving a case forward while not traumatizing the victim. We discussed how to work with people with Dissociative Disorders in a mental health setting, a domestic violence shelter, a rape crisis program and child welfare.

We talked about how prosecutors around the country are becoming more successful in convicting sex crimes cases when they introduce trauma experts who know about trauma, dissociation and sexual assault/abuse. These experts can normalize the behavior of victims for judges and juries. One common challenge is when the victim presents with flat affect and no emotion at all. Credibility becomes a problem in those cases and knowing that this is a normal sign of trauma is important for the success of the case. We discussed that inconsistent statements about sexual violence is a norm and needs to be normalized for judges and juries as well.

It was a great day in Idaho.

Immigration Training for Advocates

 I was in Reno, NV on the 27th of May conducting an all day training on immigration and human trafficking. The audience varied in experience and came from all professions. We abandoned the power point and based the day on a case study and worked in small groups around how they would reach immigrant families, communicate with them, figure out what they wanted and then refer them to the best resources. We also explored in these case studies which form of immigration relief would be best. We analyzed the benefits and eligibility requirements of the Violence Against Women Act Battered Immigrant Women Provisions (commonly referred to as VAWA). We examined the benefits and eligibility requirements of the U visa, which covers victims of most violent crimes. And we discussed the T visa which falls under the Trafficking Victims Protection Act.

The participants really made the training. They fully engaged in their discussions. Actively participated in the interactive format of the larger group. It was really a fun training to do. How often does that happen.

The training was sponsored and organized by the Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence. I'll be following up with Judy Henderson the Training Director there on how to respond to requests from the participants for additional training on these and other issues.

Tips based on My Healing Process

My psychiatrist and I have worked well together because of the safe and respectful relationship he set up with me. He was strict with boundaries but only with respect to what we talked about and in never doing any work outside the therapy work together. But he was and still is available outside of session times and I've needed it over the years. So if I was having a hard time I could call and page him and he said he would call within an hour - he always did. 
That was critical to building trust. That he did what he said.

When I got upset with things I perceived him doing, he never got defensive. He listened and was thoughtful about it. Sometimes I was right and he would admit it and apologize and sometimes I was wrong and I would see my stuff coming up and sometimes we were both right. 

For my trust issues what always helped was that he could see and would say that he could see how I might feel the way I would be feeling. That always helped me to refocus and reframe my thinking. I would easily go from not trusting him to realizing who he was in my life, which was and sometimes still is, a lifeline.

Another thing that was important was that he never talked directly to parts without saying to me something acknowledging the presence of parts. So instead of what could feel like reaching right in, he would say something like, it seems that there are some parts or a part present is that true. Or he'd say could you let everyone inside know that this is 2010 and you live in Wisconsin and you are safe. and then if a part wanted to talk to him, there was an opening and the choice stayed mine and my parts...

There's tons more to say. But these were the most important and you'll see when I finish the book I writing that this will be a big focus in there.
 

My Healing & Down Time

Over the past few months, I've had a number of people ask me what I do when I'm not training or working on my book. So I thought this holiday weekend would be the perfect time to let folks know the answer to that. 

I live on a small farm, Mirasol Farm, in a small town in Wisconsin. My partner and I have 3 dogs, 3 cats, 13 chickens and 3 bee hives. We organically grow vegetables for ourselves and our friends. The eggs that we and our friends don't eat we sell in St. Paul to our coworkers. We grow organic strawberries, raspberries and blackberries that we use to make gourmet jams and jellies that we sell on our etsy site.

We make soaps, lotions, and healing creams, salves and balms that we also sell on our etsy site http://www.etsy.com/shop/mirasolfarm. We use organic oils to make everything from scratch. My partner, Casey, comes up with healing combinations of botanicals and soothing, relaxing combinations of essential oils. 

To me, this is such a departure from the work I do on the road or in town that it is relaxing, rejuvenating and healing. It also feels like an extension of my work. To offer good healing products to folks to help them through their day feels great.

So there it is. This is what I do when I'm not traveling, training, or writing.

Sexual Assault Advocates Training

At the Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs' 10th Annual Conference I presented a keynote presentation that connected how the coping skills children develop to survive child sexual abuse can leave them vulnerable for sexual attacks as adolescents and adults. This conference of sexual assault advocates, mental health professionals, public health nurses and domestic violence advocates explored how all aspects of abuse in the lifetime of an individuals life. We looked at the direct connection between dissociation and being identified as a person who can be victimized. 

In the workshop setting we examined how dissociative disorders look and feel. We also explored how they can help immigrants and refugees in particular, by understanding their experience better. We also talked about how they can help victims who show signs of trauma. First, learn more about trauma. Second, recognize that dissociation may be a sign of a person being triggered or overwhelmed by their current situation. Third, help that person get grounded again if they are triggered and overwhelmed. Finally, refer that person to a mental health specialist who understands trauma and their cultural experience. 

Culture in Healing and Resilience

 On May 19th I presented at the Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence Annual Advocate Retreat. We explored how growing up as a Latina affected my experience of violence and resilience. I've realized in my writing over the past few months how much my father used our cultural beliefs to perpetrate his violence. Respect is an important value in my family and our culture. My father took any action he wanted as a disrespectul act and used that as an excuse to hurt me and my brothers. There were other ways he manipulated our culture in order to hurt us. I think I would have continued to believe that the violence is part of our culture if it weren't for wonderful Latinas had not helped me to balance my view of Latino culture. So for example, our next door neighbor, Ester Rodriequez showed me how kind and loving Latinas can be. Sister Mary Leon, my second grade teacher, showed me how catholIcism wasn't about violence. She also connected me to Latina nuns at her convent that taught me to read and write in Spanish. And more importantly that Latinas are caring, thoughtful and loving women. I've since met many Latino men who are very passionate, caring and would never hurt their family or anyone else.These people and others helped me to feel smart and capable.

In my healing, I found the language of Spanish, very triggering. Most of my abuse was in Spanish. So I advise if the victim/survivor can speak Spanish and English, please give them a choice. Some victims will rather speak in their second language - English.

It was a wonderful audience and a lot of them stayed with me for most of the day. Thank you!

Working with Law Enforcement

I've conducted trainings lately for law enforcement audiences on Assessing Credibility of Survivor/Victims. In Evansville, Indiana I did the same training two days in a row to get to as many law enforcement officers, advocates, medical professionals and mental health professionals as we could. We spent each day with a little more than 100 participants. 

The training delved into how trauma can impact the way survivors/victims may respond. Since we are always assessing credibility, the signs of trauma may be misunderstood and lead responders to think the survivor was not being truthful. We explored how flat affect, dissociation, and other coping skills can appear to conflict with what the survivor is reporting.