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September 12, 2010

Integration

On the Farm On the Farm

I just finished writing two chapters where I describe some of the sessions I had with my psychiatrist in the first couple years of my work with him. He was very skillful in illustrating the process of recalling memories and identifying parts. The hardest part has been and sometimes still remains accepting the parts when they come up. Its hard to have a consciousness that is separated and to think or act in ways that don't feel like me know. On the other hand I know that if I hadn't split off my consciousness and then layered it in this very creative way, I wouldn't have survived the violence and chaos of our home. Its a blessing and a curse.

In the next chapters I'll be writing about how I learned to manage my life after more fully accepting my diagnosis. I've learned to pay very close attention to my thoughts and to my body and respond. I've learned when I don't I end up with a panic attack. So sometimes I can't go places I want to go to. 

Its a lifetime process. 

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