As I mentioned in part one I’m hoping you will think about these ideas, share them with the person in your life who has survived violence and ask him or her what might you do to help. Consider this a starting point to your discussion-–not an ending point.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month. I am reposting this for those who know someone who has been abused. This is how you can help.

We all know -- and many of us are close to -- people who have survived sexual abuse or rape. Chances are, many of you reading this are survivors yourself. We often encourage survivors to speak about their experiences, to get it out. It's cathartic, it helps us to move through the pain, it helps us see that we're not alone and that it wasn't our fault.

We might not think as much about how to be on the receiving end of the story. What should we say? How do we talk with a survivor in a way that helps her heal a little bit more and feel okay about having told someone?

Here are some of the most important things that my friends and family have done that really helped me. I'm hoping you will think about these ideas, share them with the person in your life who has survived violence and ask him or her what might you do to help. Consider this a starting point to your discussion--not an ending point.

1. Listen

Listening sounds like a pretty easy thing to do. We do it every day, right? I used to think I was a good listener but I know now I was an okay listener. When friends talked to me I couldn't escape my thoughts. Rather than focusing on what they were saying, what I was sensing from them or what they might need from me, I focused on what I was going to say. Oftentimes, I interrupted them to say it.

The things I said often weren't even for their benefit. For example, if I heard something that made me uncomfortable or even triggered me, I wanted to reassure them and end the conversation. So I would say, "Well, I wouldn't worry about that" or, "That's no big deal." But they were worrying about it and it was a big deal to them. In my effort to reassure, I didn't listen at all. I dismissed their concerns.

I still do this, but a lot less often. I know the difference between really listening to someone and just kind of listening but mostly focusing on my feelings. Now, I try--admittedly not always successfully--but I try to really listen. I started learning how to do this in therapy when I noticed that the psychiatrist with whom I worked listened so well. On the rare occasions when his listening skills weren't their sharpest I noticed how different my time with him felt.

I learned about listening in a more profound way from my partner. I experienced through her what it felt like to have someone you care about really hear you. It's an amazing feeling to not be brushed away. I know she works at being a good listener, but she is also a keen observer. She can sit and listen and doesn't seem to be anywhere else than with the person to whom she's talking. She doesn't typically go to her fear to respond or need to end the conversation. She can tolerate the pain the person is in to be in it with them, without being pulled into it.

By watching and talking with her I have become a better listener. Not as good as I want to be, but I keep trying. As I get better, people seem to feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts with me. People talk about their anxiety, fear, and despair and I am better able to wash away my fears, my anxiety, and my uncertainty to focus on them. I have found that when we listen intently without a need to do something about what we're hearing, people will share more with us.

When we ask survivors to speak out against their abuse, we have to know how to listen, really listen.

2. Believe

When memories of abuse first started returning to me, I decided to tell a friend who I had known since I was 13. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me. As a young teenager, I had found refuge in her home and family, and she had known my family well. She was shocked to hear what had happened, but believed me. She said, "Now things make more sense to me. I thought there was something weird with your family." I was so relieved. Her response helped me to continue to talk to her about my memories and gave me the confidence to tell other friends.

Even around having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) I needed to know that if I told someone they would believe me and know I am still the person they have known for years just with more information about myself. There are still people I meet today that say "I don't believe in DID". It feels very sad to hear that. Its not a religion.

I was lucky enough that everyone else I told then believed me: my psychiatrist, my husband, my other friends and coworkers. This seemingly simple response of believing a survivor is powerful. My father told me for years that no one would ever believe me. Even if they did, they would understand only that it was my fault. My father had so much power over me I believed him. My family acted as though nothing was happening to me, and I saw no reason to think that anyone else would act differently. Being believed over and over by those close to me as an adult helped me to eventually accept what had happened to me and start to heal.

To be continued ...

Now after many years of healing I am happy, and not just on the surface. Despite how difficult it can still be to grieve and remember all I have been through, I am proud to say that I am better than I have ever been. I feel more stable. I believe this is because I am more whole than I ever have been. I have learned about the ups and downs of the process and survived them year after year. I have a wonderful relationship with a partner and am blessed with great friends.

Still I struggle (see the bumpy road of healing). The holidays are especially painful, as are anniversary dates of particularly brutal or repeated attacks. Some years are easier than others. This year the release of my memoir, The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder, threw me an unexpected twist. Even though I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment in writing the book, I had no idea how exposed I would feel when it was released.

Nowadays, when things get hard, I remind myself that I have lived through this before: the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the deep despair. I know from my experience of healing that as bad as I might feel, I have come out of similarly painful times and I will get through this one, too.

I have worked hard to balance the dark thoughts and self-doubt with positive thoughts of all I have and who I have become. I remind myself how lucky I am to have survived and thrived despite all the violence I endured. I remind myself that I am strong and resilient.

Each time I come out of the darkness I revel once again in the light and my newfound strength. I have overcome it and when it comes again, I will ride that out, too. In the meantime, I enjoy the peace of feeling happy, sane and stable. I enjoy as much of my life as I can: rejoice in my partner, our dogs, our friends. I laugh hard, sleep well and work hard.

For all of you who struggle with memories of child sexual abuse, sexual violence, or dissociative identity disorder - it does get better, even when you think it can't.
 

In Latino culture you aren’t supposed to talk about your problems. You aren’t supposed to think about yourself if you are a woman. You are supposed to think about your family and care for them. Discussions around consensual sex are not engaged in very easily.

So what happens when you bring a group of women together who are originally from all over Central and South America to talk about sexual assault, child sexual abuse, trauma and DID?

Well, its an interesting conversation with all sorts of indirect communication through body language, people thanking you for coming in the hopes that they can shut down the discussion, when in fact you are in the middle of your discussion. Generational divides happen. Class divides become more obvious. A frank discussion about rape, abuse, trauma, DID and sex after violence happens. In this room, we did what some were afraid to do and we did it because one woman wanted to know and I wanted to answer as if it were a normal thing to talk about.

At one point several of us had a discussion about the word for disorder in Spanish. Does it even mean what we use it for in English? Most of the women in the room took their cues from me. If I was comfortable talking about it they would try. So we went all day talking about all sorts of taboo topics. And finally at the end, several of the women talked about their own experiences as victims of child sexual abuse and rape, depression and in the discussion we cried, and wondered how we would all talk about this again, with Latinas. Their solution, a book club, where they would choose books that helped them discuss the realities of their lives.

It was magical and sad. In my community I am very different and I want to show others the way.
 

I've been healing from the trauma of Child Sexual Abuse for years off and on. My work both personally and professionally has been to help others understand the impact of trauma and more recently to help people understand Dissociative Identity Disorder. My belief in my stregnth has been steadfast but recently I gave in to the pain of the past and took steps that could have killed me, but for the intervention of my partner. 

Its been an incredibly difficult experience and a very humbling one. With the work I have done around the country, in writing my book and now blogging for Psychology Today, I thought I was above the pain. I became complacent - thinking I'd never do anything to hurt myself. I didn't pay attention to the power of this pain and the memory of the past. So as my book comes out this fall. As happy a life as I have built for myself there are still painful memories that can take over - I am far from perfect, and will continue to struggle. 

My upcoming memoir, The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor’s Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder, emphasizes the healing process and the nature of resilience. These installments from Chapter One contain some descriptions of violence only for the purposes of illustrating why and how dissociative identity disorder is formed. Please take care in reading these installments.

We all know and many of us are close to people who have survived child sexual abuse or rape. Chances are, many of you reading this are survivors yourself. We often encourage survivors to speak about their experiences, to get it out. It’s cathartic, it helps us to move through the pain, it helps us see that we’re not alone and that it wasn’t our fault.

We might not think as much about how to be on the receiving end of the story. What should we say? How do we talk with a survivor in a way that helps him or her heal a little bit more and feel okay about having told someone?

The more I think about it, the more I marvel at the skill of the psychiatrist who helped me heal from Dissociative Identity Disorder. As I look back on our work together, I can spot a number of creative strategies that he used.
Let’s call him Dr. Summer.

I don’t know whether Dr. Summer drew upon his experience working with other survivors of abuse or spontaneously invented some tools in his work with me. Some of these techniques must have been specific to my circumstances, and should be understood in that context before adapted to others. Here are the tools I found most helpful.

In order for me to learn how to stop dissociating, I first had to figure out when I was doing it. I had to recognize how it felt and learn to see the difference in how I felt when I wasn’t dissociating.

My psychiatrist gently guided me through this process. He often stopped me whenever he saw that spaced-out look on my face. “How do you feel?” he would ask. I described to him the numbness and fog that had overtaken my thinking, a sensation like having cotton in my head. “That’s what dissociation feels like. Try and remember that feeling,” he instructed me. After several months of stopping and noticing, I eventually got the distinction. It’s like the difference between looking at life from 50 feet up versus living life at ground level, with all its vivid emotions and bumpy reality.

When I first found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder I was devastated. I was afraid of people finding out, thought perhaps I would lose my job. I was afraid my husband would leave me. I thought the diagnosis meant I was truly 'crazy'. I suddenly wanted my old life back—the one I had before I started having panic attacks and memories of being sexually abused as a child, adolescent and young adult.

After years of healing the abuse I suffered as a child and adolescent, I still found that I was emotionally unavailable at times. I've worked very hard at letting myself go and letting people in. I've worked on this in my relationship with my partner and in my friendships. I notice when I'm distant and figure out why and then work through the anxiety or worry that is almost always involved to let go of whatever fear has come up for me. I've been really successful at letting myself go and letting people in to my life. It's been an amazing experience to feel so connected to people.

One of the things that made my healing so successful was working with a psychiatrist that understood that reaching in could be harmful. He knew that reaching into my mind to pull out  the details of a particular attack from my memory could feel like a re-victimization. He knew that reaching in would erode my trust in him and could take me somewhere I wasn't ready to go.

The Sum of My Parts is a memoir I have been writing since last February. It's about how I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, discovered I had it and then details the healing process. In the book I go into more detail than I have in any of the trainings or presentations I have conducted. 

The story is hopeful in that it shows how so many kind people came into my life and connected with me in seemingly simple but meaningful ways. In order to bring out the importance of how such small acts of kindness could be so powerful I needed to tell about some of the abuse I suffered to lay a context for the resilience these people helped build in me. It also shows why the coping mechanism of DID was so effective for me to survive the terror of our home and still function well in school, with friends, sports and other healthy activities.

The story winds you through what it felt like to divide up and be divided. It illustrates how vulnerable I was as an adolescent and young adult because of the dissociation I had come to rely on to keep the truth of our home away from my consciousness and to not feel the fear and danger that always loomed.

Finally, I recount how I got through college, law school and reached a high level of success professionally. I married and felt safest I'd had ever felt. Soon thereafter started the panic attacks that led me to seek therapeutic help. This book details how I learned about the DID and healed from it. How I became more whole than I had ever been and happier than I thought I could.

This book takes my presentations and trainings and lets you into what you want to know - how I got from there to here. The book is currently scheduled for release in November 2011 by New Harbinger Press. If you would like to keep up with the latest updates sign up on this website for book updates. Or you can pre-order a signed copy of the book in the shop of this website. Amazon.com is also selling pre-orders.

In responding to survivors of sexual and domestic violence in communities of color and immigrant communities a different approach from our traditional models is needed. Survivors for the most part don't call the police, don't want protection orders and don't want to go to shelters. If they do decide to go to shelter they want to bring their children with them, including their teenage sons. Some need to bring their extended family. Many programs are not set up to accept teenage boys or extended family members. They often don't call crisis lines or contact advocacy organizations unless these are designed for them - in their language, with an understanding of their culture and welcoming of their spiritual and personal beliefs.

I've been doing a lot of trainings lately for multidisciplinary audiences on The Impact of Physical and Sexual Violence. The Impact is almost always very traumatic for victim/survivors and we depending the type of violence, the extent of it and our internal make up we develop all sorts of ways to cope with that violence; with that trauma. First Responders see us at our worst moments in life and when our ways of coping are kicked in and what they see and what they hear doesn't always make sense.

So for example I dissociated for years to deal with the violence in our home and I hid that violence in my subconscious.When I first started talking about the rapes I remembered I spoke with a very flat affect, as if I was talking about the weather. I was all over the place with what I was remembering. It wasn't at all linear and logical. At times things or people around me would "trigger" me meaning something that was happening in the present felt like something from the past and I felt as though it was the past and I was unsafe. So then my demeanor changed significantly. Sometimes I would withdraw and dissociate, sometimes I would cry hysterically, and often I got angry well beyond anything that the situation merited.

I always tried to accommodate what people wanted and could often guess before being asked. This is important because as a first responder you want to make sure the victim/survivor isn't accommodating what you want or need from them. That can and often leads to inconsistent information. To avoid that don't push. Collect the information you need as respectfully and gently as possible and refer the investigation to those who work with sexual violence victims everyday - your sex crimes units and advocates.

Remember sexual violence is always intertwined with humiliation and degradation. We feel it over and over again each time we talk about the experience. Don't expect us to tell you all of it right away. We won't. It takes trust and a comfort in ourselves and in you to feel that humiliation again. Expect inconsistencies. That is normal behavior in sex crimes. It doesn't mean it didn't happen. Bring in experts on trauma to normalize the victim/survivor's behavior for the judge or jury. It helps a lot when you understand what normal is in these situations.

The holidays can be hard for anyone. It can be a time of stress, sadness, mourning and profound disappointment. For me it has been and continues to be a time that I am triggered and depressed. Any of these situations can lower our resilience and some of the easiest things can become very difficult to accomplish. The problem with depression is that it can build on itself. Its hard to go through your daily routine much less add shopping for gifts and traveling for the holidays. For me it can be a time when I feel worse and worse about myself. My thoughts turn to all that I cannot do; things I don't like about myself. Ways in which the passage of time, and aging, has made things harder for me.

I get through these times by anticipating them. I let friends and family know I get depressed around the holidays, why and what it feels like to me. They often want to know how to help. I ask for patience. I try to remember the good things in my life when it feels like everything is bad. I set small goals for myself each day and the accomplishment of these goals help me feel better. I try to remember that depression is an illness, like other illnesses. So if I need to rest up and build up my resilience, I do. I try to notice ways my  thinking changes when I am depressed. I become negative and critical about myself. I try to counter those thoughts.

Mostly, I ride out the depression knowing that I have been through this before and that it will pass. There is always something in the back of my mind, however, that is afraid it won't end. I hold that fear with the knowledge that it has always ended before.

Over the past 17 years off and on my psychiatrist used a number of tools that helped me learn about the healing process from Dissociative Identity Disorder. In writing my memoir and in preparing for a training with clinicians I was pulling out the top 5 tools I found most helpful.

The first was his use of hypnosis as a way to help me distance from the memories so that I would not dissociate during my recounting of what happened. He did this when he saw the unfocused stare in my eyes and the flat tone in my retelling. It helped me to learn what dissociation felt like and to stop and focus when I felt that way.

Second, he built trust with me. When he said I could call during off hours. He meant it. I called and paged him many times over the years and he always called back, often within the hour.

Third, he used the book "There is a Nightmare in my Closet" to help me see the process of opening the doors within the rooms I created to let the 'nightmare' out. This is a children's book and all parts learned about the process. If you do this work I urge you to use this as a visual aid to help people like me who have DID understand the process. How this book helped me is currently in Chapter Eight of my memoir.

Fourth, he used "A Wizard of Earthsea" to illustrate what I needed to do. I write about how this had a pivotal affect on my healing in what is now Chapter Nine in the draft of my memoir. This book is about a young wizard that unleashes a dark shadow in the world. One that he cannot run away from. Ultimately the Wizard has to deal with the dark shadowy figure. When he finally finds it he sees it is the dark side of himself. He reaches out to shake its hand and he has accepted the darkness of his life and of who he is. When I read that I realized I had to accept that I was sexually abused, prostituted and raped by my family. That was very hard. Then I understood and learned to accept that my DID helped me survive my childhood and helped me function well in society.

Fifth, pacing. My psychiatrist and I struggled over the pace of my work with him. Early on our slogan was slow is good. However, the parts inside weren't very patient and at one point I was flooded by parts and the memories, pain and emotions they held. At that point we picked up the pace and I had 90 minute sessions everyday, Monday through Friday. This was in response to my pleading that I wanted to be hospitalized. I just wanted to go to sleep and not deal with all this. He offered that we try this schedule for six months and if I still felt that way he would consider hospitalizing me. The six months of working with him allowed me to keep working, stay in my home and in contact with my friends. I had support at work and at home and he wanted me to keep that. It worked. I write about this too in Chapter 10. 

I'm still working with the editors on my memoir. Its scheduled to be released in November 2011.

I hope this is helpful.

Survivors of sexual violence often have a hard time going to the doctor or the dentist. Doctors have a job to do and a limited amount of time to do it in. They are authority figures and often don't meet the patients until they are in a gown in an exam room. The quick nature of the exam with the added emphasis on the power of the Doctor can be triggering for survivors. 

Survivors struggle to be full participants in their health care. Those who survived the trauma by dissociating may end up dissociating during the exam. They may not remember the conversation afterwards and then left to take care of themselves without the value of what they discussed with the doctors.

For survivors, I would recommend taking a trusted friend, partner or family member into the exam with you. If the doctor doesn't follow a protocol that leaves you feeling safe and able to fully participate in the examination having that person there will help you have the information you need to take care yourself.

For doctors, I would recommend that you meet with new patients in either your office or exam rooms before you have the new patient change into their gowns. Discuss why they are there and discuss what options there are for proceeding on that day. When You do an exam, always discuss the exam with the patient and let her know what you are about to do. Before you proceed, make sure the patient says it okay. Do this for each step of the exam. If the patient says no, then stop. Discuss what happened and don't proceed until you get an okay. If you the patient is triggered ask if they have someone with them that they would like to have in the room. If not, then reschedule the appointment.

This may seem like a lot of work but it will be empowering for your patient and lead to a more productive partnership for you and your patient.   

I get a lot of questions about my father when I present on my personal experience. What would make a father hurt their child the way my father hurt me? Its been something I've struggled with for the past 17 years. I don't know but what I saw was a man who thought he had every right to do what he wanted to us. We were his family, his possessions.

What I figured out for myself is that my father was very proud, too proud really. He desperately wanted to be respected and treated like he was someone. But his world was very small and he terrorized me to try to get my respect and love. He terrorized me because he could. He wasn't all bad. But he did some really bad things.

When he died he had long lost my respect and love. I felt sorry for him. All he had at the end of his life was some meaningless little trinkets and little to no respect from his family. 

I just finished writing two chapters where I describe some of the sessions I had with my psychiatrist in the first couple years of my work with him. He was very skillful in illustrating the process of recalling memories and identifying parts. The hardest part has been and sometimes still remains accepting the parts when they come up. Its hard to have a consciousness that is separated and to think or act in ways that don't feel like me know. On the other hand I know that if I hadn't split off my consciousness and then layered it in this very creative way, I wouldn't have survived the violence and chaos of our home. Its a blessing and a curse.

In the next chapters I'll be writing about how I learned to manage my life after more fully accepting my diagnosis. I've learned to pay very close attention to my thoughts and to my body and respond. I've learned when I don't I end up with a panic attack. So sometimes I can't go places I want to go to. 

Its a lifetime process. 

When I first found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder I panicked. I was afraid about people finding out, about losing my job and losing my relationship. I thought it meant I was 'crazy'. I didn't want this to be my life. I wanted my old life back - the one I had before the panic attacks and memories. 

Then I learned about all that happened when I was growing up and how my consciousness protected me by creating parts that were separated from my every day activities. I learned how this coping mechanism helped me survive and do well in school, make friends and do well in life. 

So I learned and still need reminding from time to time that creating parts of me to keep the violence I suffered from me helped me stay alive, remain sane and become who I am today.

It went from a stigma I was afraid of to something about me that I appreciated and value.

It took me a long time to get there and I still reach new levels of acceptance.

Here is the DSM IV definition of DID:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, (the DSM IV) published by the American Psychiatric Association, says that the following criteria must be met in order for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder to be made:

Diagnostic Criteria for 300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder

A.                    The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking of the environment and self).

B.                    At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person’s behavior.

C.                    Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

D.                    The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or fantasy play.

I've started writing about the therapeutic process I went through to heal from the abuse and the Dissociative Identity Disorder I developed. The more I think about it the more I marvel at the skill of the psychiatrist I worked with. He helped me feel safe in a process that would raise all sorts of chaos. When I didn't understand what I needed to do he used books like "There's a Nightmare in My Closet" to illustrate the process of healing. I could see in this very simple way what I needed to do. I understood after reading this very sweet children's book that all the thoughts that were racing around in my head were like the child's nightmares. They were my memories of abuse. So I started to tell him my thoughts.

When I wasn't connecting the thoughts to me and my life. When I wasn't accepting this as my life. He gave me "A Wizard of Earthsea" to read. This is a story of a wizard who unleashes an evil shadow and runs from it for fear of its power. When he finally turns to face it he chases to the far reaches of the earth and finally catches it. He realizes that this evil shadow is the dark side of him. I realized when I read this book that I had to accept the darkness in my life that I so skillfully put away in my subconscious. I had to accept my diagnoses of DID.

For years I have worked to integrate these memories, feelings, emotions, pain all of it. I've come to know more than I ever wanted to know about my abuse. But in the process I've become stronger and more whole. These tools and others were really helpful for me to envision what I needed to do. 

Over the past few months I've been asked what helped me survive when I was growing up. In the book that I've been writing I've been capturing the things people did and also the internal coping mechanism I developed. Yesterday at a luncheon in Madison, WI for the Domestic Abuse Intervention Services (DAIS) Program I laid that out as simply as I could. So I thought I'd share that with you. I had people who came into my life that made me feel capable, special, creative and smart. They did it in a whole host of ways. My next store neighbor gave me little jobs to do that when I accomplished them I felt good about myself; capable. She also told me she loved me and gave me big hugs that I still feel today. So I felt special to her. She taught me to hide when I was scared and to pray the rosary. She taught me to solve problems and that I could be creative in doing so. 

The woman who ran the community center behind our house taught me to tell time, when I had gotten a new watch but didn't know how to read it. She threw me a surprise birthday party, which was no surprise, but made me feel special. She paid a lot of attention to me.

I have countless examples of how coaches, teachers, neighbors and others helped me to feel that I wasn't alone; and that I was smart, creative, capable and special. I carried this all through my life and share it with others when I can. 

 There was a recent article published where I talked about my neighbor. Here's the link:

 In Idaho 300 plus participants attended their annual 2 Days in June training Sponsored and Organized by the Idaho Council on Domestic Violence and Victim Services. The audience included law enforcement, prosecutors, judges, medical professionals, sexual assault advocates, domestic violence advocates, child abuse professionals, court personnel, mental health clinicians and probation. It was the most diverse audience I've presented to in the past 6 months. 

It was an amazing day. The afternoon sessions brought up some interesting questions around the ability to successfully prosecute cases when victims have coped through dissociation. We explored the balance of moving a case forward while not traumatizing the victim. We discussed how to work with people with Dissociative Disorders in a mental health setting, a domestic violence shelter, a rape crisis program and child welfare.

We talked about how prosecutors around the country are becoming more successful in convicting sex crimes cases when they introduce trauma experts who know about trauma, dissociation and sexual assault/abuse. These experts can normalize the behavior of victims for judges and juries. One common challenge is when the victim presents with flat affect and no emotion at all. Credibility becomes a problem in those cases and knowing that this is a normal sign of trauma is important for the success of the case. We discussed that inconsistent statements about sexual violence is a norm and needs to be normalized for judges and juries as well.

It was a great day in Idaho.

 I was in Reno, NV on the 27th of May conducting an all day training on immigration and human trafficking. The audience varied in experience and came from all professions. We abandoned the power point and based the day on a case study and worked in small groups around how they would reach immigrant families, communicate with them, figure out what they wanted and then refer them to the best resources. We also explored in these case studies which form of immigration relief would be best. We analyzed the benefits and eligibility requirements of the Violence Against Women Act Battered Immigrant Women Provisions (commonly referred to as VAWA). We examined the benefits and eligibility requirements of the U visa, which covers victims of most violent crimes. And we discussed the T visa which falls under the Trafficking Victims Protection Act.

The participants really made the training. They fully engaged in their discussions. Actively participated in the interactive format of the larger group. It was really a fun training to do. How often does that happen.

The training was sponsored and organized by the Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence. I'll be following up with Judy Henderson the Training Director there on how to respond to requests from the participants for additional training on these and other issues.

My psychiatrist and I have worked well together because of the safe and respectful relationship he set up with me. He was strict with boundaries but only with respect to what we talked about and in never doing any work outside the therapy work together. But he was and still is available outside of session times and I've needed it over the years. So if I was having a hard time I could call and page him and he said he would call within an hour - he always did. 
That was critical to building trust. That he did what he said.

When I got upset with things I perceived him doing, he never got defensive. He listened and was thoughtful about it. Sometimes I was right and he would admit it and apologize and sometimes I was wrong and I would see my stuff coming up and sometimes we were both right. 

For my trust issues what always helped was that he could see and would say that he could see how I might feel the way I would be feeling. That always helped me to refocus and reframe my thinking. I would easily go from not trusting him to realizing who he was in my life, which was and sometimes still is, a lifeline.

Another thing that was important was that he never talked directly to parts without saying to me something acknowledging the presence of parts. So instead of what could feel like reaching right in, he would say something like, it seems that there are some parts or a part present is that true. Or he'd say could you let everyone inside know that this is 2010 and you live in Wisconsin and you are safe. and then if a part wanted to talk to him, there was an opening and the choice stayed mine and my parts...

There's tons more to say. But these were the most important and you'll see when I finish the book I writing that this will be a big focus in there.
 

Over the past few months, I've had a number of people ask me what I do when I'm not training or working on my book. So I thought this holiday weekend would be the perfect time to let folks know the answer to that. 

I live on a small farm, Mirasol Farm, in a small town in Wisconsin. My partner and I have 3 dogs, 3 cats, 13 chickens and 3 bee hives. We organically grow vegetables for ourselves and our friends. The eggs that we and our friends don't eat we sell in St. Paul to our coworkers. We grow organic strawberries, raspberries and blackberries that we use to make gourmet jams and jellies that we sell on our etsy site.

We make soaps, lotions, and healing creams, salves and balms that we also sell on our etsy site http://www.etsy.com/shop/mirasolfarm. We use organic oils to make everything from scratch. My partner, Casey, comes up with healing combinations of botanicals and soothing, relaxing combinations of essential oils. 

To me, this is such a departure from the work I do on the road or in town that it is relaxing, rejuvenating and healing. It also feels like an extension of my work. To offer good healing products to folks to help them through their day feels great.

So there it is. This is what I do when I'm not traveling, training, or writing.

At the Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs' 10th Annual Conference I presented a keynote presentation that connected how the coping skills children develop to survive child sexual abuse can leave them vulnerable for sexual attacks as adolescents and adults. This conference of sexual assault advocates, mental health professionals, public health nurses and domestic violence advocates explored how all aspects of abuse in the lifetime of an individuals life. We looked at the direct connection between dissociation and being identified as a person who can be victimized. 

In the workshop setting we examined how dissociative disorders look and feel. We also explored how they can help immigrants and refugees in particular, by understanding their experience better. We also talked about how they can help victims who show signs of trauma. First, learn more about trauma. Second, recognize that dissociation may be a sign of a person being triggered or overwhelmed by their current situation. Third, help that person get grounded again if they are triggered and overwhelmed. Finally, refer that person to a mental health specialist who understands trauma and their cultural experience. 

 On May 19th I presented at the Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence Annual Advocate Retreat. We explored how growing up as a Latina affected my experience of violence and resilience. I've realized in my writing over the past few months how much my father used our cultural beliefs to perpetrate his violence. Respect is an important value in my family and our culture. My father took any action he wanted as a disrespectul act and used that as an excuse to hurt me and my brothers. There were other ways he manipulated our culture in order to hurt us. I think I would have continued to believe that the violence is part of our culture if it weren't for wonderful Latinas had not helped me to balance my view of Latino culture. So for example, our next door neighbor, Ester Rodriequez showed me how kind and loving Latinas can be. Sister Mary Leon, my second grade teacher, showed me how catholIcism wasn't about violence. She also connected me to Latina nuns at her convent that taught me to read and write in Spanish. And more importantly that Latinas are caring, thoughtful and loving women. I've since met many Latino men who are very passionate, caring and would never hurt their family or anyone else.These people and others helped me to feel smart and capable.

In my healing, I found the language of Spanish, very triggering. Most of my abuse was in Spanish. So I advise if the victim/survivor can speak Spanish and English, please give them a choice. Some victims will rather speak in their second language - English.

It was a wonderful audience and a lot of them stayed with me for most of the day. Thank you!

I've conducted trainings lately for law enforcement audiences on Assessing Credibility of Survivor/Victims. In Evansville, Indiana I did the same training two days in a row to get to as many law enforcement officers, advocates, medical professionals and mental health professionals as we could. We spent each day with a little more than 100 participants. 

The training delved into how trauma can impact the way survivors/victims may respond. Since we are always assessing credibility, the signs of trauma may be misunderstood and lead responders to think the survivor was not being truthful. We explored how flat affect, dissociation, and other coping skills can appear to conflict with what the survivor is reporting.

 At the end of April I traveled to Niceville, Florida to be part of a training for a multidisciplinary audience of professionals that respond to and assist with child abuse cases. The group was very sophisticated and one of the most knowledgeable groups I've had the pleasure to work with. The presentation I did focused on the impact of child abuse based on my experience and then moved to what trauma and dissociation can look and feel like. My goal in doing the training was to validate what they are already doing to make a difference in the lives of Children and their non-offending parents. I also wanted to give people who work with trauma an inside-out perspective of how it feels. We also explored Dissociative Identity Disorder, what it can look like and feel like.  

There were a number of mental health clinicians there that asked some great questions about the healing process. One came up to me afterwards and let me know that it was reassuring to know that kids can overcome abuse and survive.